Found and Lost
by Jcthegirl
Summary: Find and lose, find and lose, that's how it's always been. No such thing as "lost and found." Axel's death drabble, oneshot.


_Practically everyone ends up doing a death scene, especially Axel's. XD I just had to get this little drabble out before I got too lazy. I normally don't do present tense or first person, but it's kinda fun. :3 Anyways, hope you enjoy my drabble. c:_

_Disclaimer: All mentioned characters belong to Square Enix and Disney.  
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><p><em>Found and Lost<em>

So I'm lying here, dying. Or really, disappearing is the right word. I wish I could die. How strange it is to think that. About eleven years ago I wanted immortality, but you know what they say, be careful what you wish for and all that. I guess the price for immortality was a bit steep for even me.

But now death, or whatever I've got closest to it- it hurts. Not the way I want it to either. To wish for pain... only a Nobody could. And of course it hurts, my nonexistence chipping away piece by nonexistent piece. But I can push back the pain, because what else is pain but something in your head? Even more so for a Nobody. Something imagined in something that isn't even something. How ridiculous it all is, this weird paradox that's been our lives for years. Everything seems backwards, reversed. Guess it's good to finally bring it to an end here, and not really in vain either.

Supposedly life is supposed to be about finding things, gaining new knowledge and new friends. You lose a few things along the way, maybe a friend or family member or your prized possession. But you always get something back to fill in the gap. Problem is, not much fills where a heart should be.

Isa was like me a lot. We didn't have much to start with. We shared a lot of things, our interests, our goals. Eventually we shared memories too since we did everything together. But then we lost whatever we had left save for those memories. So I got Saïx, and I was glad that there was some remnant of my past still around as some kind of proof or something that sometimes you can get back things you lose.

Gradually I realized more and more that he wasn't Isa, that he was more like a shell with those memories. Perhaps he thought the same of me; I'll never know. So I contented myself to missing Isa, hoping he'd be doing the same for Lea. I guess that missing wasn't enough for him, and it didn't take him too long to lose himself. I wish I could be sad when I think ahead about what's to come. I know that soon, he'll be gone too, just like me. But really, I lost him a long time ago to the darkness.

What made me realize how much he- each of us, truthfully- had changed was him. Them? Yeah, them. I must sound crazy right now. But there was Roxas, and... And.

It kills me- no pun intended- that there's something there I can't remember since there's not much time left to remember it. I tell Sora that Roxas was the only one I liked, but I hesitate. The words are hard to find, but I don't want to lie again. Not to my best friend's face. Not now, not ever again. It shouldn't be too hard, considering the time left. I give myself the excuse that I can't remember, but the fact I can't hits me with something like guilt. Maybe what I'm hit with are memories, because they come back to me in an overwhelming torrent. And everything comes back to me, whether I want to see it or not.

Xion. That was her name. And I realize I did just lie and hope that it didn't hurt Roxas more than I already had.

So, _they_ were the only ones I liked. _They_ had filled in that gaping hole in my chest, which seems bigger than what's left of me now. I had found my heart again in a way. Some things can never be completely healed, but mended.

It "hurt" even more to lose that again. To lose a heart and then what sowed up the emptiness. They say heartbreak is a physical pain too. Perhaps they're right, or it's so strong it blurs that line between physical and emotional.

One would think that you'd lose people to darkness, but I lost them to the light.

Find and lose, find and lose, that's how it's always been. No such thing as "lost and found." I guess now all that's left to lose is myself- to nothing.


End file.
